Tuesday, December 26, 2017

To-Do Over a Christmas Break

Christmas is my favorite season. I don't know, its in the Christmas spirit that makes my heart feels so glad. Maybe because this is the time of the year where all your family members gather together and celebrate the season. Relatives and old friends are reunited in Christmas parties and other get-together gathering. Aside from that, this is the time where I can have a long break from all the stresses in work. What I love about this break is that I can always find time for myself- to do the things that I failed to do during regular days.  I can have my "me time" and I can do whatever I want to do. So here it is, I've already planned out my "To-Do Over a Christmas Break Checklist".

So, to start things of, I got  list of activities. I put check mark ( ) to the accomplished tasks and x for the things I haven't done yet.

✓  1. Do some general cleaning- Do the sweeping, clean my room, wash clothes, clean my bedding, bags and etc. I got this "OCness" in me that I wish to clean everything almost everyday, but failed to do it due to school work. So, finally I got to make it today. I'm proud I got to wash mine and my sister's clothes. You can rarely see me washing because I hate washing clothes. 

X  2. Paint-  I got some blank canvas and set of oil paint, so I'll start painting at least 2-3 paintings for this season. I really love painting. It is my first love but it saddens me, knowing that I can only do it once in a while. 
  3. Cook my Specialty Dish- Nobody knows I love cooking, but I feel exhausted in cleaning after cooking so I rarely cook. This time I want to practice cooking spaghetti and tadahh... I made some for Christmas eve.  

X  4. Facial Treatment- I really love facial massage. It is soothing and relaxing. I love the result, so I gotta visit the clinic this Christmas break.

5. Read a Book- I downloaded a book and I'm planning to read it this Christmas break. It's a Christian book to be exact.

6. Go some place (somewhere) alone-  I wanna be independent this coming 2018. All my life my parents,siblings, friends dictates me on things I'm going to do. This time, it's my symbolic way of expressing... "this time, Im going to do it on my own", not because somebody said so. I want to be an independent woman.

7. Rest from Social Media- I was so bombarded with so much happenings in social media that I don't understand anymore the things that is going on in my life. This time, I'll gonna spend time with my self resting, meditating. I also wanna spend time with God and do some catching up. heheh

8. Go out with a Friend-  I am a busy person that even going out with a a friend is such a hard thing to do. I miss my friends a lot. I want to catch up with them and spend some quality time with them. I hope I can do this before the break ends.

X 9. Dinner in a Restaurant w/ Family- I know what you're thinking. Yeah right, I'm a boring and busy person. But I'm trying to change :| for the better.We usually had dinner (together) at home but not in a restaurant- yeah, due to busy scheds (I guess).

10. Write some blogs-  my blog is my safe haven, this is where I can express myself when others are not listening. Aside from prayer and painting, this is where I can be myself. I maybe fake and pretentious in front of many people, but my blog is where I want to be. I can be sad, lonely, gloomy and happy. All sorts of emotion I can express and good thing, nobody cares.

So, this is it. I got my list and it's all set.  I got to accomplish it before my break ends. Got to go! Keep going everyone. Happy holidays. 
Merry Christmas everyone and God bless you.

Saturday, December 16, 2017

To The One That Got Away

I miss someone who isn't mine to miss. I dream about someone who isn't mine to dream about. I love someone who isn't mine to love. He's too far from me now. I was never been a part of his life, nor in his plans and dreams. I was never in his mind or in his heart. It breaks my heart because I can't even express my love for him. I can't even say he is the one that I LOVE. I want to take good care of him, love him and live the rest of my life with him. He is always been in the heart of my prayers, praying to  God to make his dream come true. I want him to be happy in his life and be the man he wants to be. I want him to live the dream- even if I'm not part of it. After all, true love is not selfish. It is about being happy for someone's happiness.

"Unrequited love does not die; it's only beaten down to the secret place where it  hides, curled and wounded." -Elle Newmark

So I wrote a letter for you as part of my healing and this will be the last...

To the one that got away,

I never thought that I will fall for you. We were ones friends, then best friends... but I was caught off guard. Yeah, I fell. You cared so much to me, the caress that I got from you is what I always value, but I never thought it was never been true. Now, I was left wounded and shattered. You didn't do anything wrong... it's just me who loves you all along. How can I get back from this sudden fall? I was left puzzled and hopeless. Puzzled, thinking what if you love me too. Hopeless, because I know you never do. You were once the cause of my happiness, but it turned out the cause of emptiness, loneliness and brokenness. How can I stand from this fall?  Why am I afraid to loose you... when you're not even mine? Your departure just caused me deep sorrow. Since the day you left, I've been missing you so badly, almost everyday.

Many years had passed, the scars and wounds never leave. It was just being suppressed without being noticed. I loose faith in love and turned out to be fearful in love. I started to loose my hope. It's not your fault, it's me who fall after all. But this notion should come to an end. I shouldn't wallow on the sadness and brokenness. God has many plans in my life. God installed good things to me, waiting to be unfold.
I swear this will be my last letter for you. I'm writing this to you to be healed. This healing of wounds is not easy, it's tough, but it is the right thing to do. All I want is these wounds to be gone.

So, I'm letting you go. 
I forgave you.
I understand.
I know, we were not meant to be. 
God wants to heal me, but first I should let you go. I will let you go.
Letting you go doesn't mean I'll stop praying for you. I'll still be praying  for your happiness and success. Letting you go doesn't mean I'll forget you, it means I'm already giving up the idea that we will end up together.

So I'll go now. I believe there is someone out there who is waiting for me in the future and the same with you too. I know my God prepared something beautiful for us separately. I'll start to live  life again without you. Now it's time for you to go and leave- to leave my mind and heart. So, farewell to you my love. I should start walking without you. Let's walk our separate ways without looking back. But I never wish that we'll be strangers again, after all... I never regret loving you.

Goodbye my love. And when we meet again, I'll hug you tight and say thank you, because you taught me how to love unselfishly and love unconditionally. You taught me how to forgive and to let go.
And when we meet again, when that day comes, probably all my questions about "Why?" are answered. 

Wishing you the best. Thank you my friend :)
Good Bye.


Wednesday, December 13, 2017

The Pessimist Optimist

Everything that we go through in life is just a part of the process, it's part of God's plan. Sometimes we think that life is so unfair, life is so cruel and some things don't happen just the way we want it. Hold on... we'll go through it. Everything will be unfolded in the right time, just the way God wants it and it will be beautiful. Wait, God's in the process of molding us, making us into a better person.

I would say I'm a pessimist in some way. I always think that I can't do it and I will never make it. I have certain things and plans that I want to do in my life, but at the back of my mind... it will fail- I'll never make it. I hate myself for being this way. God has many good things and promises, but believing and holding on to it is such a hard thing to do. I always search for proof and evidences before I believe. I still need someone to push me forward for me to do it. I have no enough agility to stand up and do it. But God who is so gracious, keeps on reminding me that He is there for me. He wants me to do things for His glory. He wants me to do it with Him. As He promised, all things works together for good for those who love God, to them who are called according to His purpose.

God wants me to be an optimist. Everyday is a battle, is either we hold on or give up and let go. It is about us to stay positive even things around you is failing. The inner pessimist me comes out when storm comes, but God who is forever gracious remind me that we are made to be an optimist. We can do it, as long as God is on our side.

Have a blessed day. Keep going and God bless.


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